It happens in the life of almost every special needs mom, at some point we share a concern with a friend over what our child is doing – or not doing – and we’re met with the well intentioned, “Don’t worry about it, my kid does it too!” Except that, well, their kid doesn’t have a disability, so it really isn’t the same.
I like having friends outside of the disability community. If I was sensitive to every single thing they said, I suspect I would be a pretty miserable person to be around, and my poor friends would be walking on eggshells afraid of saying anything that might offend me. So I am not offended when you say, “My kid does it too!” But deep down those things your kid does too are laced with fear when you parent children with disabilities.
Perhaps my child is not potty trained when he is five years old, and neither is yours. But I fear that I might be changing the diapers of my teenage son.
Perhaps your child has a meltdown when she goes to the dentist, but most likely you will not be looking at having to do dental work under anesthesia for the rest of her life.
Perhaps your child takes of running in public places and you fear that he will get lost, but most likely he will learn his boundaries, and you won’t be worried about him taking off running during recess at school, fearing that if there is no one-on-one adult supervision, your child will be gone faster than you can say “Where did Johny go?”
Perhaps your child is a picky eater, but I fear that the sensory issues for my child will take a long time to overcome, and she might still be doing crackers and applesauce by the time your child is enjoying a juicy steak.
Perhaps your child was a late talker, and although my child might still be young, I fear his speech will be so poor most people won’t understand him, or that our communication might be limited, or worse, that I will never hear his voice.
I don’t expect you to understand how those little things your kid does too are red flags for me as I look ahead in my future.
The thing is, I often do find comfort in knowing that your kid does that too, or did that too, or didn’t even come close to doing it, because maybe this is just a typical “kid” thing. And I am thankful that you want to bring some comfort into my worries.
It might be one of those situations that you have to live it to understand it. So instead, would you do something for me, for us, special needs parents? Next time I share a concern over what my kid is doing – or not doing – would you say, “My kid does it too! But do you think that’s a normal part of child development, or are you afraid this is a bigger issue for your child?”
That empathy and understanding makes all the difference, and I will be able to open up more with you and share my struggles and my concerns.
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